Disclaimer

The contents of this website are mine personally and do not reflect any position of the U.S. government or the Peace Corps.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Whew

I don't know if I did it on purpose or if it was just a nasty coincidence, but I predicted how my whole summer was going to go. A week or two before heading home for the summer, I updated my facebook account to let everyone know that my summer activities would go as follows:

Well I been workin’ in a coal mine
Goin’ down down
Workin’ in a coal mine
Whew about to slip down
Five o’clock in the mornin’
I’m up before the sun
When my work day is over
I’m too tired for havin’ fun
Lord I am so tired
How long can this go on
I been workin’ goin’ workin’
Whew about to slip down

It's completely accurate. It's a rare day I manage to stay up past 10 pm. Between getting off work and bed I usually opt for reading a book, rather than make an attempt to go and entertain/be entertained by other people.

Take today. I'm thinking about turning off my phone so I don't have to keep the plans I made on Tuesday. Does this make me a bitch, or just tired? Not sure. I suppose more of a bitch, because instead of seeing Sam I want to go to Jessica's used book store in Tacoma.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Later that same day...

My parents left for some place this morning, not sure where. Let me check. ... Glenacres Inn. Anyway, most of the day was a celebration of solitude, as most of my summer has been. I got lazy and hot and decided to walk around in my underwear after I got off work. Here it is, 6 hours later, and the idea of putting on the boy's boxers to sleep makes me feel all itchy and uncomfortable.

Things I did today: ate two bowls of Special K strawberries and 2 granola bars. That's all. But you should see how many empty Diet Pepsi cans are laying around. Found 3 different tubes of KY Jelly in my mom's nightstand. You didn't want to know, but neither did I. I stole her quarters for this year's laundry money as payback. Found $150 cash in an old wallet that's been sitting in a drawer of junk in my closet for about 3 years. Melted down 5 candles - 4 in a soap dish and 1 in my parents' hanging candle holder. The whole candle search was the original reason for digging through my parents' drawers. I learned my lesson there.

I've been reading up on my friends' summer blogs, and I'm feeling a definite lack of enthusiasm from my quarter. Oh, Bellingham will be lovely. I'm psyched about getting up there and finding a job and really digging my feet in to make this next year work. But there's also that part inside of me that is screaming "ohshitohshitohshit" over and over again. Certain people can make that voice go away. Left alone, however, and that voice will tear through me and prevent any kind of normal social functioning. I didn't read books all through junior high and high school because they were more interesting than the people around me. I read them because I needed that barrier to keep me from facing my fears.

Has anyone ever heard of this? "Face your fears"? I'm sure the term has been around forever, but it's a specific thing that the boys on my junior high bus did to each other. Face your fears meant that as you got off the bus, you had to trip and let everyone make fun of you. I only remember two of them ever doing it, but it came up at least once a week. Well, this year at Western I'm going to have to face my fears. I don't have a cousin and a clone to fall back on. I might have to take Chanel's definition of a break from the boy just to get myself into perspective. But I'm not going to hole up in my room and sit around in my underwear. I'm going to ride my bike and walk downtown and sit in the coffee shops and finally go down to the Downtown side of the waterfront.

I'm also going to buy some candles.

Stars - Your Ex-Lover is Dead

Man. I just spent a good 15 minutes trying to log in to Blogger. I guess Google acquired it officially since now and the last time I posted, and they tried to tell me I have no other login than my gmail account. Very annoying.

I've been in a bit of a blue funk all day. All week, really.

I may be driving myself nuts over nothing, but at least I've got the support of my parents. Most of the evening was spent wandering in and out of my dad's office, laying on the bed in there and complaining about how bored I was. About an hour ago I finally spilled what was on my mind, and he simply put his hand on my shoulder and said, "I've been watching you. You've put a lot of time and effort into this, and I'm proud. Even if things don't work out, I'm impressed." Maybe it didn't fix all the paranoia running through my head, but at least I know someone's got my back.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Excerpt from East of Eden

Cal crept quietly down the dark hall and edged into the room where he and his brother slept. He saw the outline of his brother's head against the pillow in the double bed, but he could not see whether Aron slept. Very gently he eased himself in on his side and turned slowly and laced his fingers behind his head and stared at the myriads of tiny colored dots that make up darkness. The window shade bellied slowly in and then the night wind fell and the worn shade flapped quietly against the window.
A gray, quilted melancholy descended on him. He wished with all his heart that Aron had not walked away from him out of the wagon shed. He wished with all his heart that he had not crouched listening at the hall door. He moved his lips in the darkness and made the words silently in his head and yet he could hear them.
"Dear Lord," he said, "let me be like Aron. Don't make me mean. I don't want to be. If you will let everybody like me, why, I'll give you anything in the world, and if I haven't got it, why, I'll go for to get it. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be lonely. For Jesus' sake, Amen." Slow warm tears were running down his cheeks. His muscles were tight and he fought against making any crying sound or sniffle.
Aron whispered from his pillow in the dark, "You're cold. You've got a chill." He stretched out his hand to Cal's arm and felt the goose bumps there. He asked softly, "Did Uncle Charles have any money?"
"No," said Cal.
"Well, you were out there long enough. What did Father want to talk about?"
Cal lay still, trying to control his breathing.
"Don't you want to tell me?" Aron asked. "I don't care if you don't tell me."
"I'll tell," Cal whispered. He turned on his side so that his back was toward his brother. "Father is going to send a wreath to our mother. A big goddamn wreath of carnations."
Aron half sat up in bed and asked excitedly, "He is? How's he going to get it clear there?"
"On the train. Don't talk so loud."
Aron dropped back to a whisper. "But how's it going to keep fresh?"
"With ice," said Cal. "They're going to pack ice all around it."
Aron asked, "Won't it take a lot of ice?"
"A whole hell of a lot of ice," said Cal. "Go to sleep now."
Aron was silent, and then he said, "I hope it gets there fresh and nice."
"It will," said Cal. And in his mind he cried, "Don't let me be mean."

****

Now for some back story to help you understand. Cal and Aron are twin 11 year old boys. Aron is blond and beautiful and loved by everyone. Cal is dark and quiet and unrecognized. He lashes out against this rejection by hurting people, making them feel ignorant and distrusting themselves. Aron believes their mother is dead and buried across the country. Cal has just learned by eavesdropping that their mother is the owner of a whorehouse in town.

This was the passage that made me realize this book is everyone's life, wrapped up in fiction. I've personally had those nights where I've cried for acceptance, begged some unknown force to make me let go of my rejection and the cruel thoughts that follow. I can't imagine many who haven't. To not be afraid of those dark thoughts simply isn't human.

Anyway, anyone out there who can appreciate a good book, pick up East of Eden, by John Steinbeck. I cry every time I read it, so you should at least feel some slight twinge of emotion.

Thursday, August 3, 2006

Sick Day

While laying stretched out across my bed at 10:30 this morning, trying to fall asleep again, I had the most wonderful daydream.

I imagined myself riding my bike around the block. Naked.